How does everyone that never saw me naked know I'm built like a smurf?
They use the phrase "final warning" so often the words have lost all meaning.
My dad just sent me a text telling me to "say hi to all the luscious bitches" at the gay bar. Guess this explains my childhood
At any point in time, have you stopped and thought "I wonder how high Willie Nelson is right now?
He said he wanted to see my room, not my womb. It's a common mistake.
Missed another period
I almost hope you're pregnant, this is unfair.
We have a tower of vodka coming. OF VODKA
He graduated with honors. I've seen him kneeboard on dry ground and run a razor scooter into a wall...anyone can graduate with honors
There are several different types of life sentences in my purse right now.
Also, I might need your help for a prank involving a hand puppet, a coke bottle, double-sided tape, and my dick...
Trying to coordinate a drug deal while taking a psych test is not easy.
If you fall asleep, my vagina and I will never forgive you.
Figured out how to triple bathroom speed at #lollapalooza.. Girl squats, guy 1 goes between her, guy 2 uses urinal. Your welcome.
If body pillows had a built in vibrator attached I would literally never need a boyfriend again
Most people would agree that it IS in fact slutty to give someone head for free ice cream.
Randomize
