I can't believe the cop was so cool about the whole thing, I mean, I had man mayo all over my jeans.
Haha she couldn't find her dress in the morning. So she left it. How do the hell do I discreetly return that to her at work. More importantly, how did she discreetly do the walk of shame??
youre just mad i got the high score on the breathalyzer
My roommate just got home. Made an entire package of bacon. Ate it. And then went to bed.
I keep having to talk dad out of putting tequila in the milkshakes.
I'm okay with corrupting his young mind.
Ew! He's just a child!
AND I'M GONNA SHOW HIM HOW TO MAKE ONE.
Met my future wife peeing in the men's room. I stood in for the missing door on the stall. We really hit it off talking about how her butt didn't even touch the seat from all the years of squat lifting in high school.
My Saturday dick is so much more impressive than my Tuesday dick.
You knocked on your freshman year room door, told the kids who opened it "I own you", and attempted to force-feed them everclear.
You brought string cheese to the strip club
I am the murdurer of this scooby doo episode
I was thinking we could get together and exchange gifts, and by gifts I mean orgasms.
I told him to take the baby so I could work out. My workout consisted of getting high and masturbating
Say whatever the fuck you want about me, but leave my deceased cat out of it.
She started waving a nerf rifle around and demanding free booze.
Randomize
