to cover up your slurred speech you tried talking like the creepy old man from family guy
He told me all about his plan for proposing to his girlfriend as pillow talk.
If him repeating sorry while thrusting isn't makeup sex than I don't know what else is
Since you haven't talked to me since the rancid whipped cream fiasco, I'm going to assume we are no longer hooking up. But I need my handcuffs back. ASAP.
im drunk. people are steering their children away from me. whatever it is that you called for, I assure you that I don't care. have a good night
Apparently I whispered "Jesus was here" and bailed out of the moving taxi.
she tried to deny peeing on the floor last night. she said she wouldn't make it to the bathroom only to pee on the floor
oh but she would
I wonder if her husband knows I have my own drawer at the apartment
I'm remembering the time we thought it was a brilliant idea to put koolaid powder in shots of goldschlager
I lost all of my bathing suit tops.. This is both a success and a failure
holy shit I just remembered that story I told about Tom hanks going bowling while high.
I got bit by a peacock. That's how hard shit went down last night.
I'm glad we can *facepalm* it together over the married couple we fucked separately.
Maybe I'm not hungover. Maybe I'm actually dying.
I got home at 1 am on a weeknight with lube in my hair. I'd say it was a successful first date.
Randomize
