I mean she's dancing like an epileptic patato and i'd like to slap her
Apparently 151 is to me what spinach is to popeye.
So I have some interesting news. The pizza guy called the cops on me...
complete strangers are now referring to me as 'the bourbon guy.' i can live with this.
the only thing coherent you said from what i saw of you is when you were throwing up, i asked if you were done and you just "uh huh you know what it is"
we just plugged the camera up to the big screen. would you like to come see what you did last night, in high definition?
I've decided I'm either going to ease him into this breakup by having a threesome with him and the girl I'm leaving him for, or be brutal and fuck his room mate. it depends how nice he is tonight.
Get dressed, I have 50$ and you need a new beer pong table since we threw yours off the 8th floor last night.
Sorry for locking you out after accusing you of eating my Skittles... I realized I was mistaken after just throwing up the rainbow.
Jazzercise themed birthday pub crawl. 6 bars in 6 hours.everyone was a hot mess.
They're tearing apart the house I lost my virginity in:(
Nothing is working I'm going to die alone and on hold with a State Farm representative
It's a good thing vaginas don't have taste buds
Haha never eat brownies from a guy with batman pajamas
I found a used condom in my purse this morning. It was in there with a bunch of smushed french fries.
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