Hurry up. We're trading phones to prevent drunk texting.
You totally drew a penis wizard on my closet that says "I travel for cock rock"
No. I didn't know. I thought mid afternoon shots meant the day could only get better.
Weer fine. went to buiy cigxs, but hes theonly one waering shoes. He caem out wti chicke fingers instead. whatecer, there th 8 dollar kind.
Man, only now that I'm single is it painfully obvious that I have zero booty calls in waiting. This could be a cold winter
Mitt romney looks like a fantastic lover (full disclorsure: im 76% vodka right now)
Bro... You handed me an ice cube from your drink and said "tell me if it tastes like pickles".
I like that you're Jewish, because you can rail me on Christmas Eve and it won't be weird.
He looked at me and just said "moist". The entire party shut down from uncomfortableness. He is an anti-party wizard.
"Wine night with the girls" turned into me having to set an alarm in the bathtub this morning...
It would be awesome if I knew whose teeth these were in my pocket
This place is full of unfortunate mustaches.
All I’ve had today is sex and water. I think it’s time for tacos.
Can I make sure all my sluttiness goes to you when I die? You're the only person I know who'll make use of it
He showed up completely drunk with a 30 of PBR and ten cans of Spam. I like this kid.
Randomize
