just took a shot of grandma at the fucking bowling alley... this is going to be interesting
Too much gin, very little bucket
Was this before, or after you took my brand new bag of shredded cheese, and "Made it rain"?
My present? It was a fake boarding pass he made in Photoshop. He litterally just gave me a one way ticket to Pound Town
25 People Didn’t Realize They Were Talking To Someone Famous
riding the spinning bikes at the rec after Valentines Day was a baaddddd idea
1st rule of birth control pills: do not stop taking birth control pills. 2nd rule of birth control pills: do NOT STOP taking birth control pills.
I just haven't been myself lately. I slept with a guy 21 years older than me and I've been wearing my hair in a center part.
I told him he could fuck me once he could grow a beard. Never expected seeing him ten years later with a goatee and a great memory...
He held back my hair as I puked, then kindly asked me to slightly move my head over and pissed right next to my face.
21 People Tragically Stumbled Upon A Dead Body
I'm beginning to think the entirety of my appeal is due to the size of my ass.
My night started to turn around the time I started calling her a "raggedy cunt".
Somehow she got that I meant it as a term of endearment.
Jerry got outside again, i found him making dirt angels in the garden. I need to put a bell on that bastard.
you know it's been too long when the heat of a pizza box on your lap turns you on.
He started to lick a stick of butter and was calling it Jennifer.
I found a bar with Metallica and a fire eater. I'm home