how do we leave politely?
Tell them I'm going into labor. I will spill a beer and tell them m water broke.
video games are the ultimate cock blocker
Just realized I'm marrying a man that's never gone down on me. What happened to my priorities?
so I was at the house for 3min to grab my bathing suit & tequila. You know, the go-to weekend combination
Babe when I told you that you needed to grow up I didn't mean get drunk and sponsor 8 African kids.
It's like the god of all feather dusters, but for your vagina
It really is the softest mustache
So watch family guy till our brains melt and then bang till our bodies hurt?
I mean...he was throwing up for almost 3 consecutive hours. I don't think there's a chance in hell that would have tasted even close to tolerable.
I JUST DEFLATED MY BOOB.
I DON'T KNOW WHETHER TO LAUGH OR CALL AN AMBULANCE.
GO AHEAD, BITCH, GLARE AT MY WAFFLE ONE MORE TIME. I WILL FUCK YOU UP.
I'm so hungover it hurts to blink.. oh sweet merciful Christ what have I done
My mom just made me promise her that i'll care about the next guy I sleep with
steve's beating me 4-2 in our "sexually confusing straight people" competition. steve is a wizard. this is not a drill.
I mean, if I asked you, would you cum on cotton candy for me?
You microwaved all of my silverware, I don't care if you spent all your money on tequila, you're paying for this.
Randomize
