Three words: puerto rican gang bang
wow, farting in latex pants is really awkward.
margarita scented body wash shouldn't be used the morning after cuervo. there should be a warning on the label.
I think my penis and your vagina just became best friends last night.
I can't believe you're fucking in the bar bathroom, but everyone else can, and they're really proud.
For my 21st birthday, I require a kiddy pool filled with vodka. Make it so.
um so slept at robs. he woke up, looked at me, and said ' oh my psychiatrists are gonna have a field day with this one' I think that's when you know you can't hang out with someone anymore
Maybe there is a secret pocket full of cocaine in that spiderman wallet.
Someone with the Instagram name "hymenbreaker" just liked a photo of me and my grandma. I feel ashamed.
I just baby talked my cat. While getting ready for bed... Before 10 on a Friday. I'm officially a cat lady.
Owwwww. Yeah. I can barely move unless Im high on vicodin. We are bad at drinking/balancing. We will be the first to break hips and have to go into a home.
that's the first time I've heard "shenanigans" and "apocalypse" in the same sentence
Who told you that acid and Jurassic World was a good idea?
dont remember, but I'm pretty sure I was convinced that the hybrid dinosaur was satan the whole time. It was actually very spiritual
It took me longer to finish the bottle of scotch we bought together on New Years than it did for her to meet a new guy and get engaged
This whole Rob and Chyna drama is giving me trust issues. I'm about to text my ex and be like if you haven't already deleted my nudes, can you?
Randomize
