Eating a burrito bowl w/ queso sauce is about as cool as the first time you have sex w/ out a condom
Just saw two guys having a lawn mower race, and their girlfriends cheering them on. Get me out of Tehachapi,
Who were the five players on the alien team from space jam?
Oh my god. I just envisioned myself eating panda meat. I need to get out of this class.
I just recycled a years worth of liquor bottles. I can feel my alcoholic carbon footprint shrinking
"lets watch the sunrise" turned into "lets have sex on the roof at six thirty in the morning"
Cause a man that looks THAT good must have an ass that tastes like lucky charms
Can someone please explain where the fish in the mason jar came from when we were at a bar all night?
You told the bartender if he gave you one of the fish you'd go away
How dare you question the sanctity of Chocolate-and-Porn day
When nipples stop being hilarious I'll stop getting them out in public.
WHY DO I KEEP FINDING CHICKEN THROUGHOUT THE HOUSE? GET YOUR ASS HOME NOW!
I have not brushed my hair. I'm wearing a yoga hoodie. I look like I slept in a gutter somewhere. Today is going to be a good day.
When we were having sex last night, I told him I would replace him with tacos
It's something you'd find in the room outside of Ben Carson's sex dungeon
you were so high you asked for half double stack and half crispy chicken sandwich "welded together" in the wendy's drive through
Randomize
