Would it be quicker to bike the freeway home?
Haha Tomato, Tomato. That doesn't work very well via text message.
The mystery has been solved. Seagulls have sex doggy-style.
mom just told me i had to find a fake by next wednesday.
Weekdays seemed more exciting when I had a drinking problem. Like I had something to look forward to at night.
the amount of times i have wished for a boxed wine emoticon is almost alarming. almosttt
I knew the only reason I bought a smartphone was to play "You're Havin My Baby" on the way to cvs to buy Plan B.
We're both on the slippery slope toward middle age...and really shame riddled bar experiences
is there a reason blood came out of my hair in the shower?
head injury at diner. you headbutted the wall a few times because it got in your way
An image of us stuck like that like Pompeii comes to mind. A wonder for future anthropologists
I am so sorry for drunk texting you r kelly lyrics
All I need to do is acquire a Shrek costume.
Please don't traumatize your girlfriend too terribly. Have fun.
You snapped me at 3am drunk laying on your floor asking if I knew how we couldn't have predicted the housing crisis.
I need to find a more reliable booty-call so I can start dating people and take it slow.
You’ll lick BBQ off my cock but no ketchup on a hotdog?
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