I have a fruit stripe tattoo on my penis. You're the only person I know who chews that gum.
He said "I know I'm not gay. I fucked a guy once and didn't like it"
Like if Robert Downey Jr. and Kiefer Sutherland got together for a bender, that's how drunk I want us to be.
The kid next to me is typing a powerpoint presentation.. title: Reasons to Wear a Condom, subtitle: The Ian Story
The first slide was titled: You Could Get a Girl Pregnant.
Her boyfriend only talks to me because I know her period schedule
Thank god Shes going home for winter break, gives my dick a chance to recover from those "bjs." Youd think a senior could suck a dick by now.
No. I'm drinking straight up vodka right now. With a pineapple in it.
That'll put some boobs in that bra.
I was at a bus stop, eating a load of bread. Fairly sure I'm the poster child for poor students.
let's make a party pact right now just as precaution for this trip: ill make sure you don't piss yourself if you make sure I don't bang my cousins friends. deal?
But see that's the thing. I know i'm better looking than you, I just want you to be continually in a state of shock and awe that you could ever get a girlfriend this hot. You know?
so the kid in line in front of me at walmart just bought roses and a Plan B pill. Happy Valentines Day.
MEAN GIRLS IS ON NETFLIX! I REPEAT, MEAN GIRLS IS ON NETFLIX! THIS IS NOT A DRILL! I LITERALLY NOW HAVE TO CANCEL ALL OF MY WEEKEND PLANS.
I still have a little drunk in my system
YOU SHOULD HAVE BEEN THE FIRST VISITOR TO CHRISTMASLAND
I’m doing tequila shots with lesbians. This isn’t how I planned my night but I’m not complaining
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