Call me immediately, my only recent boy news involves me biting a dick.
do you ever facebook stalk someone so much you think their inside jokes are yours?
you are the sluttiest virgin ive ever met
thanks it was an honor just to be nominated
this is the 21st century. you drunk fuck him and then go on a date.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
You told him you were auditioning guys for your new show: "So You Think You Can Fuck."
Best pick-up line ever!
I think the best part was when you jumped over me naked.
Just fell asleep during a bikini wax. Thank god for day drinking.
I won't drink with you again until you promise to not feed me anymore paper bags
just let her blow you already, it's practically animal cruelty at this point.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
So apparently someone caught him as he was falling. And carried him around the rest of the night.
I'm super depressed and stressed and I just want spaghetti and sex...
yes, i'm a douce. but i'm a high quality douche.
just so you know they found you begging for money at the L station. What the fuck did you drink last night?
They just made me take another shot and I found out the liquor store next to my brothers house has a petting zoo
Mind. Blown.
The gate guard just said to me, "I almost didn't recognize you in uniform. Welcome back." I think I need to lay off the booze.
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