You took shots of captn out of a empty percocet bottle, i just saw you fall threw the floor of rock bottom.
I just don't have the heart to tell my mom you peed in our washer machine last night.
just because you are in college doesnt mean its okay to pregame easter mass.
Just found the bucket list I wrote when I was high...somehow I dont think "jello swimming pool" is gonna happen.
Let's just go topless and paint glitter over our nipples who the fuck cares
St Patricks Day is not the day you decide to have a sober epiphany.
just woke up to a get well card i wrote myself when i was drunk. it was by the advil. i am a cocky bitch.
did we cross streams again? the only thing I remember is seeing a dick
Already at the river; already getting fucked up. And yes that semicolon is legit because those are congruent statemests
If God invented something better than rough, drunken, lesbian sex he kept that shit to himself.
No ambien sex tonight. I just ate two hotdogs with chilli and onions.
They are gonna stay together and get married and have 2 children before he wakes up and realizes that there is more to life than anal
The impromptu 'dance party' was just three white dudes flailing arrhythmically in the kitchen in absolute silence. Stone cold sober.
They just made me take another shot and I found out the liquor store next to my brothers house has a petting zoo
Mind. Blown.
Sometimes I wish I could tell all my past/present hookups what the nicknames that my friends and I have assigned them.
Randomize
