remember when you told me, jokingly, to not get jizz on your shirt that i borrowed last night?
Typcal friday morning so far. Puke, shower, commute/puke, coffee, puke, coffee, bagel, good to go. Lunch today?
Dude she hit me with my own penis and it hurt. I've never been cock slapped but she slapped me with my own cock so it has to be worse.
I may have to marry her. She is smarter than me and has a six figure job and doesn't want to have kids. All I have to be is a trophy husband.
Sooo Zach and Judd are on my porch drunk eating leaves and flowers...
Dude, im sorry I had sex with that girl I was trying to hook you up with last night. Good news though she puts out
I can't even masturbate without crying fuck this break up
Also, if he asks how he's doing orally I can probably ask if we're exchanging Christmas presents?
Before you jump in that vagina remember there's a reason we call her Infectonator.
Well, I was asked to leave the Waffle House for "being to physical" so I think that option is off the table
she's throwing knives it scares me
update: broke ceiling. glass everywhere
mate iv just woke up in the garden. either help me inside or bring out my vodka
How I know I would be an awful mother....I just stirred the bong up with a baby fork. A literal baby fork....
ill drive you to the airport today if we can have sex first
i left yesterday
ill pick you up from the airport on sunday if we can have sex after
You left me a note that said "The Earth is blowing up. Bring the Rosé." WTF.
Randomize
