I think I just was a dick to Paul Rudd.
I thought the fact that I took home a 42 year old with 3 kids would excuse my tardiness this morning because my boss is also 42 and has 3 kids. Boy was I wrong.
I just saw a woman point to her daughter and scream at her husband THIS IS YOUR GENES, THIS IS YOU.
He came on my chest. Sat back and said "hey it sorta looks like lake michigan!" kill me now...
I can't wait until next week, when I find out what drunk me added to the Netflix queue.
You wouldnt be able to explain the can of green beans in my mailbox, would you?
Yes I slept with him, he was the only one not wearing a costume. Guys with costumes are just trying to impress you.
He pulled a bucket of fried chicken out of his backpack as a peace offering. Under the chicken was a rainbow bag of weed. We're dating again.
Super awkward when the coworker you made out with in exchange for molly last weekend keeps coming over to your cube and trying to talk to you
Don't be surprised if I hand out mini dildos on Halloween
Side note: the physics of a guy my size and age getting laid in the backseat of a Toyota Camry are absolutely staggering
be right there i have to get my cape
New life goal: fuck in the shopping cart
I need dunkaroos back in my life.
So I was dancing on a table with these three girls and my bro. Started to makeout with one and as the song ended I asked what her name was. She said, and I quote, "Nate we hooked up two weeks ago". To which my reply was to lift my beer to bro and proclaim, "RAGE".
Randomize
