dude my little brother busts into my room last night and yells did you know that grandma is hiding scrambled eggs between her legs
Just saw a baby with a T-shirt that read "I am the result of my mother forgetting to take her magic pills". I can't believe they make shit like that.
Just remembered to take my BC at the liquor store. Just swallowed it with a free sample of Whiskey.
So I told her I dislocated my shoulder and she said "well okay. I can either be on top or blow you."
Decisions, decisions.
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There was a picture of him proposing on the night stand and their dog watched, but I can't help myself, his dick is just so perfect.
Just spent the last three hours in the library successfully refreshing facebook
She gave me a handjob at the dinner table while her dad was carving the turkey. I made eye contact with him. Im pretty sure he knew.
Those two lesbians inspired me. A whole new way to roll. Fuck shots. Gallons of vodka is the new tequila.
If we could give a gymnastic score to drunken nights, I would be a part of the Fab Five.
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He's against "violent sex" cause apparently my body is "sacred". Like dude I'm about to tell you about blowing your brother just so you'll fuck me like an animal Jesus Christ....
I'm so jealous of your sex life. You know it's awesome when thinking about the sex you had last night brings you tears of joy.
She said she is going to be sex-slave version of Princess Leia for halloween. You think there is any way I could pull off an attractive Jabba suit?
I just got high and swiffered the bathroom floor....2 for 2 on brilliant life ideas
Desperate times call for desperate measures. But he promised me no small talk so that was nice
He fucked me over, so I'm going to do what any rational woman does. I'm going to get really high and have sex with his brother.
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