She has 260 profile pics. In 260 she's ugly and in 255, she's making the peace sign with her hands...
regular news: took many shots of tequila.....bad news: woke up with a toothbrush and vagisil next to me.....good news: clean as a whistle
They're calling for 20 inches of snow but I'll have a dirtbike for emergency trips to the liquor store. Even if I crash it won't hurt.
the only thing keeping me going right now is the knowledge that in 2 hours i'll be drunk at the circus.
What's a quick way to get over an ex-boyfriend? To hear about how he threw up in a cup and then drank it. That's how.
You need a Jiminy Cricket, but for sexual decisions.
His cuteness will no longer contol my vagina
So, last night I fell asleep sitting Indian-style on the floor, propped up against the front of the couch with an empty wine bottle in between my legs... How was your night?
moms trying to set me up with a 28 year old. hes graduated university like im getting high in my bed and he's an adult
My friend wants your phone number so you can teach her how to take a beer bong. She saw you doing them last night and got jealous.
Just tell her to open her throat. I don't want to talk to anyone who is jealous of someone who woke up this morning with a cat in their shirt as a result of that glorious beer bonging skill.
me + whiskey = a bad person
I survive off of bourbon and the tears of others only
Reminding you of hookups your brain is trying to suppress. That's what friends are fooooooooor...
You know it's really hard to draft fantasy football players in a crowded bar when I have a raging hard on
Tinder date just called. I was supposed to be there 30 minutes ago but I'm on a 27 game win streak in Park...?
Fuck that man! Tell her your dog died or something. Reschedule that shit, you can't stop 2K at a time like that. Ball is life bro... Priorities.
Randomize
