He was sucking on my finger.... and it was at that moment that I thought: Man. I wish I had a penis.
Did I get blown in the bathroom? Yes. Did she throw up cranberry juice on my shorts? Yes. Did she finish the job? Yes.
You have more facebook pictures than most towns have people.
well at least you didnt have sex with him. i feel like a proud mother. you always have sex with them.
All she was asking was for you to describe your coat so she could get it, but you kept yelling at her so the security threw you out.
who am I kidding I don't have any dignity. Plus we're not doing a porno, we're just doing random things naked
#1 benefit of having an equality sticker on my car: some girl flashed me while i was driving home
The guy you fucked with the lazy eye is here, im avoiding contact by texting you. But i just looked up and he recognizes me, theres no way he doesnt. I'd remember the girl who called me quasimodo all night too. Sober me feels so bad.
Anal and Aoki tickets...I'd say I give pretty good Valentines Day gifts.
After being his wingman last night, I've decided I will never talk about becoming a lesbian ever again. Picking up chicks is way too hard.
My mom just sent me this: "I like Jon, but he needs to be the one going down on you! Yeah, we saw your head pop up in your car last night."
He tried to stop traffic by waving his half eaten pizza at cars.... And we were stupid enough to cross .....??!!!
Obviously last night's theme was "Let's Make Bad Life Choices"
It's 2016 and I am a strong independent woman who just wants someone not weird to touch my butt, dammit
I s2g I’m about to get ghosted by a 34 yr old and my Oedipus complex cannot take it
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