i just shit an entire soup salad and breadsticks from the olive garden... bud light wins again.
my parents are out trying to convince the local liquor stores to post "do not sell our daughter alcohol" flyers. i'm preping my defense now.
something isn't right. i offered to be his sex slave and he declined..
I think this agreement was sent by God. I get to do my own thing, get laid, and he still makes me breakfast in the morning.
Nhl reached an agreement. I plan on getting me some celebratory sex from a hockey player.
there is a hole burned clean through my text book on forestry law and I saw you walking around with a blowtorch last night. Hope you have $160 on ya...
I woke up at 4am on the floor covered in olive oil and fire extinguisher powder but all I wanted to know was where the rest of my booze was at.
i just tried to use a string cheese as a light source
It's like the bat signal. He only texts me when I'm naked.
I woke up missing my shoes and my left eyebrow. MY. EYEBROW.
She paid me 300 bucks to spank her and call her Baby Jane. Then we drank half a bottle of sippin whiskey. I'd call it a twelve out of ten.
Well I'm half drunk in a green tutu at a chipotle. So pretty good parade.
Woke up in the hospital naked with my id's taped to my chest. Also apparently puked on two guys, two girls and an escalade (at the same time). Good night.
Anyone who can sit 4 hours in a doobie circle with their feet in a kiddie pool is ok by me
1st date with cop went weird. He yelled at me & we had a horrible date. Walking to the car I tripped & started bleeding & then he made out with me. Is it wrong that I want to see him again?
THIS IS WHY YOU NEED THERAPY!
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