Dude why does my asshole itch so bad?
I'll teach you how to wipe better
I had to remind him that there is no "age exchange rate" between the u.s. and spain, and that 16 will always equal 16
you came in and threw goldfish on our blue carpet and screamed SWIM BITCHES and then made me drink a best friends potion with you
i woke up to find out i googled the Twilight Eclipse trailer. so either drunk me doesn't know that i'm straight, or sober me doesn't know that i'm gay
I definitely made out with a high school student last night while his sister and my brother were in the same room. I think we're all traumatized by the situation.
I can't stream porn because Xbox live is taking all the Internet. I thought having a male roommate would make life easier.
I just threw up over a bridge. I didn't even know there was a bridge in this town. Vodka is like a transportation device.
NOT EVEN KIDDING RIGHT NOW. THE GUY IN THE SPIDERMAN COSTUME JUST FELL OFF THE ROOF INTO A BABY POOL. GET HERE NOW!!
The spray paint was a bad idea, 'insert penis here' isn't coming off
I didn't know your ex looked like a male Khloe Kardashian?
I peed my pants walking home last night... I just kept walking.
I have no inclination to even want to think about what God's existential meltdown is going to be like. O.o
I can't wait til me and pit bull can just be together
Eating pizza in the bath tub while watching a romantic comedy alone. I reached a new level of single.
The one time I decide to bring people over you are laying naked on the coffee table watching the ceiling fan cause "it just moves so fast" I'm guessing you got paid today??
Randomize
