Let's bang like we're on a Lifetime Channel movie.
I wish the iPhone would register texts from 11:59 as "Last Year" instead of "Yesterday."
So can you tell me who's underwear is on the cat?
I only have two playlists on my iPod. One for when im getting drunk, one for when I'm getting high. Is this something to be worried about?
Ya after that i took a dump on a car... We're definitely partying with him again
I feel like I was just dunked in a tub of beer and then thrown in a giant dryer with rocks in it.
Please be advised that because of last year's "incident" we will no be starting St. Pat's day with spicy breakfast burritos and car bombs. Please plan accordingly.
Tommorow.Eggs Benedict and surprise blowjob day
Idk. The last coherent text said something about $25 & dimes. And then...it's just letters...
I COULD BREAK CONCRETE WITH MY FOOTBALL ERECTION.
Serio, who the fuck falls down coming offstage wearing nothing but pasties, a g-string, and a fake moustache, and now suddenly needs a tetanus shot. Me. That's who.
We work out, have really intense sex, and then eat cereal marketed for children. We have a system, okay?
I think snapchat is trying to tell you something. It's saying your boobs were meant to be seen by his family.
Can we table this discussion? The roommate is out of town and I have to eat pie on the couch in my underwear.
I know I'm drunk but why am I receiving this handjob through the pant leg of my shorts..?
Randomize
