So called my VP's house on Sunday drunk and told him that if he didn't hire me for the new position I would skull fuck his wife. They asked me to go home today. Thanks again Vodka
she told me her fantasy was her as a 55 year old cook at a truck stop who smokes a pack a day, and I was the 21 year old illegal immigarnt prep cook.
Just so you know, each of my boobs fits perfectly in a martini glass.
The drugstore has summer clearance. I bought you a little mermaid bucket. Now your hangovers will feel more like childhood adventures.
The good news is that I can 100% reassure you that you did not get knocked up by some creepy Italian dude named Sal Manella last night.
The bad news is that you will never know the name of the guy who may have gotten you pregnant last night because he clearly gave you a fake name, sweetie.
Just in case you were wondering..... I really did just wave goodbye to you with my penis.
VOOOODKA VOOODKA WE PLEDGE OUR LOVE TO THEEEE VODKAAAA VODKAAAA SAVIOR OF LIBERTYYYY
don't worry about my dad. he just hates you because you're liberal, not because we're fucking.
I just started the bonfire using a tampon. Who knew they could have multiple uses?
I'm so hungover I can't taste anything
you should never start the day with a boob text. It can only go downhill from there
Just Peed in a cup for my country. Fighting the good fight.
Did you leave a mouse under my pillow again?
Let's drink tonight I promise I'll make it out of the house
Between his smile and monumental dick even the virgin mary woulda blown that man and I am far from the virgin. I didn't stand a chance.
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