I dont wanna date her. I just wanna be able to run a blacklight over her face and prove ownership.
I just found out how hard it is to put together a fake Christmas tree with a hangover.
Maybe you should go over there and lead him on and reach down his pants like he's about to get some and yank his balls.
That's the best idea I've heard all day.
well as my mentor always said, "Don't antagonize the man whose penis gives you multiple orgasms."
He told me I just kept sending him the word sex and dollar signs.
Did you ever stop and think that god invented whiskey dick specifically for me
THE MIME IS MIMING TO BUST A MOVE KARAOKE. ALL MIME-RELATED EVENTS DESERVE CAPS LOCK
OK WHO CHANGED MY RING TONE TO LADY AND THE TRAMP AND CHANGED EVERY CONTACT IN MY PHONE TO 'SOME GUY I FUCKED'?
Oh god he's like Julia Roberts in pretty woman... And I'm the one who's gotta make a lady out of him.
I am not sure which is more amazing; The fact that she offered me sex, beer AND nachos, or that she can properly use a semi-colon at her current blood alcohol level.
I found a fingernail in my vagina. A fingernail.
somehow he and i always have our deepest conversations after phone sex.
After she asked if she could try to fit her toe ring around it, i decided to leave. Thats the life i live
It's an open bar. I'm gonna be gone when you get here.
Text me the address now before you're too drunk to text English.
Can't tell if waking up covered in easy mac is the sign of an amazing or terrible night
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