I'm jammin out to some Brit Birt, she's still my bitch, I love her crazy ass
The guy drove to our house at 6am to sell us weed. Now that's customer service.
We watched a biography of Frida Kahlo in class today. It was depressing. A chick with a UNIBROW just put my sex life to shame.
He kept referring to his penis a his "love gun"
He just reenacted his orgasm in front of my roommates....using a squeeze bottle of mayonnaise.
I think it's our patriotic duty to get high and watch the state of the union tonight
They have a stripper pole on their deck. Normal.
He set two of my ex boyfriends on fire at two different bars without anyone knowing it was him or how it happened either time. He might be a fucking super hero
I mean, they were small fires and no one got hurt, but still. Awesome.
I can officially say I had a blunt rolled on my ass
You've seen the quality of dick pics I normally get. The bar is high.
I told my mom Jesus would want me to snort drugs on his birthday
doc says my ankle might be broken, they're going to do xrays. He asked me what happened and I told him if he could find out that would be great.
I am eating croutons on my bathroom floor. Are you happy?!
We've been together for 10 months. These next 2 may be a deal breaker. He has not met the summertime version of me that is so hungover today that I cancelled a meeting with my boss right after she sent me an appreciation note saying I have great work ethic. I have her fooled.
My professor just said irregardless, get me out of here
I guess he's ir-illiterate
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