I tried to use my car keys to open my door
I just started a sentence with yellow.
i told my grandma i broke up with my boyfriend. her reply " you need to play the field more anyway"
I climb out of my sunroof. I mean its kind of embarrassing but part of me feels awesome and ninja like.
when I forget a girls name in bed I ask her her middle name then tell her i'm gonna call her that from now on
this bucketlist has just become an excuse for me to be slutty, and i'm not even ashamed
so this was truly a case of the blacked out leading the blacked out.
Old lady caught me peeing in the street and yelled at me and said "I REBUKE YOU"
New level of high: If I could bathe in my salsa right now I would.
Dont eat ANYTHING off the floor at Matt's house. He likes floor sex.
Apparently I walked to Denny's in the pouring rain without shoes just socks last night. Excellent.
The fact that he offered to stop once he stuck it in my ass was sadly the most considerate thing anybody's ever done for me.
Which one of you drunk assholes put a parental lock on my cable box last night? More importantly, what's the pin? I'm missing the UK game.
I'm trying to fuck him and feed him. I don't understand why it isn't working.
I woke up in a front yard I didn't recognize to a grandma tapping me with her foot. What was in that punch?
So I almost broadcasted the porn from my phone to the boardroom chrome cast
Randomize
