Whod you bang
i woke up with my moms heels on underneath your couch cushions
you want 1 or 2 eggos?
I will show your tits more attention than Michael Jackson's death.
Listen, you can whine about not having a "red" wine glass, or you can suck it up and chug it from the vase like the rest of us. The choice is yours.
Apparently unused tampons can also double as things to bite down on during public sex to prevent screaming...
I think I'm dead. Why did I think it was a good idea to hang from the banister while someone poured liquor into my mouth?
I know I've never told you this before.. but Gyro sauce makes everything okay.
I'm far too poor to be letting my hookups wear my shirts home. I'm down to about a total of 8 shirts and have no intention of buying more
We were mid fuck, and he did a Kermit the Frog impression. Is it weird that I was strangely turned on?
You came home screaming the lyrics to Drunk in love, and dumped wine on me when I said you would never be Beyoncé
Can I just go to one establishment in which I haven't banged anyone ?
I did it again.
I drunk texted John McCain.
so.. please tell me you did not really sleep on the washing machine last night
guilty
I definitely almost just pulled a condom out of my purse instead of money for my dad.
Omg. I'm living macklemores best life. I have someone's granddads dog, I'm about to have someone's grandmas car. I look incredible.
Randomize
