'hiiiigh' is saved in my t9 for a reason
Just realized the hot girl at the office got a boob job over the Holiday.....she is now super-hot girl.
why the fuck would he compare you to sexy aquatic creatures?
I refuse to go to this wedding alone, or sober. Practice drunk-walking in heels and a Bridesmaid dress begins tonight.
I think im gonna bang this 35 year old at a kids birthday party in the bathroom at this house while the kids open the presents.
I'VE CAME 4 TIMES TODAY. I AM AS DRY AS THE SAHARA, STOP YOUR WHINING.
TIL a potato cannon can be loaded with dildos as ammunition. Boy, do our neighbours love us!
I feel like it went downhill once I decided we should take $100 tequila shots.. oops lol
I was apparently the best non-Irish person at the party. I wore my skating dress, Austrian flag and a giant shamrock. Everyone is calling me "30 Shots Girl".
Leave it to me and my dad to puke on the same guy at the same bar 25 years apart
I had my room mate call my phone after last night and it was in an uncooked quesadilla
You have to give it to him that he fucked me out of the dull weekdays.
passed out on bart again and decide to bike home. biked thru a goat farm of angry goats, biked on the freeway, got stopped by the cops, and sat shotgun in the squad car while the officer driving got a video on his iphone of his partner riding my bike on the freeway.
He kept saying "Welcome to Indianapolis" over and over while we were having sex...because that's his hometown. I was scared and confused... I didn't know if I should have said thank you or what.
Last night I had a dream that a man with an ice cream body entered a bicycle throwing contest and won.
Randomize
