Great. There's a birthday party at work today. Now I can stand around and feel uncomfortable for an hour.
I was just at the urinal, started to go, then farted, then said oh yea out loud, then heard someone move in the stall behind me
Spotted: Pepto Bismol pink Scion with Ed Hardy sticker on front window, air freshener, and seat covers. Total Douchette Mobile.
At lowes after workin outside. Kid behind me says "mommy that man smells like a taco" yes she was talking about me.
Thats my favorite, when ex girlfriends become XL ex girlfriends
the whole "pretend to be sober/pull it together for my family" thing really blew up in my face when i threw up into my pillowcase.
I just bought the ATT family protection plan so that I could block all of my old bar hookups from booty calling me...
I found out his name. Apparently we sat in the shower together and flooded the bathroom.
Carrying your RA back to her room wasn't the conclusion I was expecting for the first thursday back
Her roomates have been scoring her hookups. I got 8.9, best of the week!
Feel like I died but someone put me In a human microwave and I got back to life.
I'm a hopeless romantic that likes rough sex. Judge me
Commuter bitches be judging your sister and her bag fulla wine. It's a motherfucking rosé, bitch!
the good news is that even if it's Alex's, I can still say it's Colin's, because the kid will come out ginger anyway!
who knew there'd be a plus side to your ginger fetish one day?
Left my wallet at the store. Wouldn't have noticed if the joint I just rolled wasn't in it.
Randomize
