if your dad confronts the dude you fucked about the background check he did on him, NOT GONNA GET A CALL BACK
i wanted to iron the shorts i'm wearing. but i'm high and lazy. so i'm using my hair straightener. in bed.
A man in denim coveralls just shotgunned a beer on the dance floor
He smells so good today
Seriously, back away from the sexual harrasment suit.
I'm sorry and I love you. One day we're going to live in a whore mansion with our babies and make boys cry.
Apparently all year they've been using me as a standard of drunkenness
i've never been that scared in my life. i ran naked into the corner and he just stood there trying to shield his boner from the light.
You called me and said "Aidan's unconscious" to which he said "I'm conscious, I'm conscious pilot"
He was filled with the holy spirit. And vodka.
You need a twittervention. You're better than this.
He showed up at my apartment drunk with a telescope wanting me to look at the "blown up star" in -24 degree weather, claiming "it's in the name if science"
WHY IS THE HAIRSPRAY SOUNDTRACK PLAYING IN THE LIQUOR STORE
Thank you for listening to my rant about tacos.
Well let me fuck you while I make potatoes. It's every girls dream
PSA- Wearing assless chaps results in embarrassingly painful sunburn
come pick your gf up from my house. she's sitting in the fridge and hissing at the cat to let her eat the potatoes. btw i dont have a cat
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