i just saw an asian skipping down the street and it made me think of you
Silently passing ghastly beer farts as I move around the bridal department at Tiffany's. Call it my contribution to the holiday spirit.
I just had a flashback to last nights party, I'm pretty sure I told most of the people there that I post a masturbation schedule for an iCal download.
Is it bad that on the course evaluation it said "do you normally try harder than other students in class" and i circled "absolutely false"?
Bartending School is so much more enjoyable now that I realized I was in rehab at this time last year.
She just got out of the car and said "hold on purse.. It's going to be a bumpy ride"
I couldn't get past the raccoon on my porch so i slept on my lawn.
She literally pulled the door off the hinges and "dropped" it down the stairs... Do I just say 'good job' and put her to sleep?
im destined to be single forever. i hope its okay if your kids come and hang out with my cats.
Bunch of Navy warships just sailed into New York Harbor for Fleet Week. Nobodys getting laid this weekend.
We could have had it all. And by all I mean sex in your Toyota Corolla.
He made me twerk for scrambled eggs... I regret nothing
Thanks to a bad fart decision during a production meeting, I am now on my way to Target to buy new pants. How is your day?
drunk me cartwheeled over a turtle sandbox & slit my foot open on a cinder block. how do you explain that to a doctor?
I told my parents how nice the girl at the frogurt store was. I neglected to mention that I nearly lost my virginity to her via foursome.
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