There is a strange man mowing my lawn. Best day ever.
I like you better when you drink
I like you better when I drink too
So...AT&T finally added picture messaging for iPhone...bring on the tits!!!
can you imagine how much money lesbians save on birth control?!?
bitches.
No. Do you know how much this carpet cost? If she comes over, you put down towels this time. i'm so not kidding.
She told me I should be a condom model.
Is it bad to get into the ocean at night? i always thought sharks hated the smell of vomit after drinking
Didn't know what to wear so I ripped off my bed sheets and tied myself a toga. "a little hungover" is no way to describe me right now.
We picked up some guys dressed as shamrocks at taco bell. I will text you with further information.
Happy birthday, you long dick monster
Slutty summer 2013 has officially started. I did accidentally bite a dick though.
Can we fangirl? Can we have fangirl Tuesdays?
Sure lol what's that?
Oh, dear, sweet Laura. Please start singing A Whole New World. I have Aladdin's part, you're Jasmine.
Why?
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the texts you sent will act as the rosetta stone for all drunk people
I woke up the whole house screaming I need my shorts they found me in the kitchen with a bag of strawberries naked
Omg cinnamon bun Oreos. Thanks weed
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