worst 3rd wheel sitch ever. i'm crammed into a booth with him and chubs mcgee and his hand is between her legs. thank youuu karma.
Rylan was made in your driveway. Just thought, as godfather, you should know.
he just watched a baby story on tlc while high and just called me screaming he never wants me to get pregnant
then he said we can't have sex anymore because ill hate him.
He finally admitted that he was drunk when I asked him how he got the rug burn on his chin and he replied "the worm contest"
Just walk through the Honors dorm on a Saturday night. You'll feel better about yourself.
There's a level of bonding between people at the liquor store at 10:30 in the morning that's unrivaled
Ran into my prostitute at Costco yesterday. She was with her boyfriend, I was with my kids. Awwwwkward.
decision: in honor of being in new orleans this weekend all my drunk texts will be en francais
There's a mouse. In the house. By the cans. With some pans. Release the cat. To eat his hat. Sorry about the mess. Of my breakfest.
No but seriously, there's a fucking mouse in the house by the beer cans
No just sleep deprived. James woke me up at 7 and forced me to eat a hot pocket with him cause he " didn't want me to die".
Nothing says summer like lemonaid, but nothing says fuck yeah summer like lemonaid and vodkavodka
In other news I may have fractured my masturbating arm
At least it wasn't your drinking arm
Omg have I shown you my skeezy ex fiancée?
The other one.
handcuff keys just fell out of my bra....wtf happened last night?
It's next to that place that has cock fighting.
Randomize
