Hoooooo maaaaan
Yes?
I'm retarded. Again.
Dude, I was completely sober last night, didn't puke on my shoes, went home with an incredibly beautiful girl, wore a condom, and didn't wake up in a puddle of urine this morning.
hah, sarcasm, classic
She said if it slipped out one more time she was going to duct tape it in her vagina
and while your girlfriend wears your relationship pants, i'll be wearing my ecstasy pants
they just tried to tell me they weren't big into drugs. A) it was the 70's. B) I've seen the pictures.
Her directions to the house party: "the north star will guide you, turn left. I'm wearing the potato hat"
Literally best acid trip ever. Better than sex. At one point she looked over at me, started crying, holds up her hands and said "dinosaur tears of sadness". Craziest roommate ever.
Due to the events of st patties day last year I created a moral and ethical policy so that I won't get kicked out of the bar again. It mostly consists of not wearing pants so then I don't take them off at the bar.. and subsequently get kicked out.
Gave him an awesome blow job on his living room couch last night, so at least he'll have something nice to think about next time he's watching the Tigers lose.
I can motorboat myself in this new push-up bra. I need to go out tonight.
That's totally the Emoji for "just ran into some girl who knows I know she had an abortion"
At no time is it ever okay for my doctor to compliment my tattoos, when giving me a physical exam.......
Buffalo PD walked in my bedroom this morning at 7 am. Was still blackout drunk, fully dressed, Steak Out wrapper on the floor, parking meter on the floor of the bar room. 'Both of your doors were wide open, wanted to make sure no one was robbing you.' Then I made a pass at her.
Currently playing charity bingo with coworkers so if u were ever gonna send a dick pic now is the time
i thought this was a perfectly normal conversation between two adult men about why this children's cartoon is quality television but no you just gotta be talking shit again
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