Kicked off drink for Jesus month by puking in my mouth while talking to my priest...real cool
when did we get to this "texting at random" level on friendship?
We did face masks and fucked...he really isn't gay, what they say about europeans is just true
I'm wearing an NBA shooting sleeve while jerking off...and yes my arm has stayed warm
i had to take off my light up shamrock necklaces, my professor was getting suspicious.
I don't even want to go. i just want to be a hermit and live in a cave with an elephant that pisses vodka
Listen to me plotting my whoredom.
In a weird way, I don't want to stalk him on Facebook. I want to find out what's wrong with him the old-fashioned way. Is this what it means to be romantic?
honestly i just want a cigarette and someone to go down on me... are you interested in helping with either of those
Do you know how to give stiches?
I do not...this text concerns me
Tequila, beer, rum, gin, and vodka all mixed in my body last night. The whole "never turn down free booze" is catching up to me. Hungover = understatement of the year.
I can control the tv with my phone while pooping on the second floor. I thought you should know for future reference
You need to somehow incorporate the phrase "these hoes ain't loyal" into your best man speech.
Eh. Fuck him. He's missing out. I'm legit naked and drinking straight from the bottle of wine.
OMG MY DAD TOLD ME HE MIGHT DO TINDER
Randomize
