My jaw hurts. Such a slutty injury..
Was this before, or after you took my brand new bag of shredded cheese, and "Made it rain"?
You came in as I got off work, ordered us jack and cokes. Put them on my tab, and then proceeded to fall asleep on the bar.
This will be the 3rd time you have blacked out and lost your phone only to have some kind stranger find it, charge it, call me, then mail it back to you. Your luck amazes me...
He told me he loved me. I didn't know what to say so i just squirted the baby oil at him
Just when I decided to go get a taco and a blunt cake it starts raining. Coincidence? or divine intervention?
So last night was the first of "I got cut off before I walked in the bar".
Woke up at noon, still drunk, naked, with another girl next to me. When she wakes up, I'm gonna have my SECOND lesbian experience with her. How's your 2015 going?
Now I'm having a post-sex brownie. Is this the life? I think it might be
I take Paypal, cash, sexual favors, and roasted red potatoes with garlic as payment. You choose.
Because you hugged a homeless guy, and I paid him 5 bucks to give us our giraffe balloon animal back. That's why.
You’re about to have a sober threesome with a rando at a Fenway bar?
U wanna come over and watch talidaga nights. Ill make pancakes
What? It's 130 in the morning.
Aww come on i make bomb ass pancakes
My ex unfollowed me on SPOTIFY bruh. Freaking spotify. The butthurt is real
He’s got a big dick and a big ego. This could be fun
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