i knew he was a douchebag when his facebook activities were "ladeis," and "gettin crunk wit ladeis"
im contemplating emailing my dad and telling him how worthless i am and how sorry i am that he pays for my life...aka my bar tabs.
In retrospect, getting to second base BEFORE anal wouldve been a good idea
Is it physically possible to shit out my own bone marrow? Because if not, then I need to see a doctor immediately.
She dropped a weight class after every shot I took. I thought I was just drink something magical.
Oh no, we smoked the revival weed. It came in a Batman bag. It hit like justice. And orphans.
If I get laid dressed as one of the McPoyle twins, I deserve all the medals.
Your stoned with a 2 year old in the room....and that makes you want to have babies?!
3 2 1 whiskey
Got an egg Mcmuffin combo, and put the hash brown in the sandwich. That level of hungover
Today is a good day to get high. It's easy to blame the glazed-over look in my eye on my new contacts
I suppose writing him up is more professional than keying his car.
The viagra-rita was a sexual success and a furniture failure. He said it was the best cowgirl sex he’s ever had even with the broken couch
Fursuit judi Dench just stared directly at me for 3 solid minutes telling me that cats arent dogs and i believe her because if i dont cat jason derulo might try to have sex with me
He agreed to matching Christmas pajamas today, no guy does that for a girl he’s not seriously considering marrying.
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