i woke up with someone drivers licenses in my wallet this am...he said i don't have a business card so just take my drivers license
Don't get me started, it sucks when the one thing you have in common with a girl is not wanting penis inside you.
Since when does wearing a condom and going down on me make someone a gentlemen?
I need to start giving them away because owning 20 dildos is never going to get me a boyfriend.
Tonight will be judged a success if I walk out without having thrown up on my shirt.
dude, i turned on the light and asked if they were ok and they STILL didn't stop. Most determined sex EVER.
I think he just caught a duck in mid flight
Unless you're gonna start buying my underwear, you have got to stop ripping it off of me.
So it's national ass day?! I love October. No bra last Saturday and now ass day. This is my month. God is dedicating this October to me!
During your work shift I was either: a) stoned. b) high. c)stoned. or d) high.
We're you guys there last night when everyone started chanting "Nacho Steph"? Someone picked me up, carried me to the nacho cheese and made me do a nacho cheese stand.
to improve your porn experience, just imagine a slow speaking older English man narrating it all like a Nature documentary
It's really life affirming to be at a wedding thinking wow I took your husbands virginity
Can I make sure all my sluttiness goes to you when I die? You're the only person I know who'll make use of it
Your Saturday night was spent at the opera, mine was spent exchanging naked pics with a hot middle aged man that is so ripped that he looks like he's photoshopped. This is why we're blood sisters. We balance each other out.
I hate you so hard.
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