It was just pointed out to me in a meeting that there is a lipstick stain on my crotch.
barbara walters just said penis...
My new sobriety test is "how many times do I have to attempt to put toothpaste on my brush"... It takes a while.
She was the most uninteresting drunk I've met
Please check on her. She announced that Thursday she'd open herself to any veteran so as to thank them for their service. "my services for your service" and left the bar with three numbers.
How sober do you have to be to donate blood?
Every time I try to stand up the back of my head feels like a bunch of little elves are beating the inside of my scalp with their toy making tools. What disease could this be?
Theme for your birthday? Beer olympics in S&M costumes? Sounds like a nice little saturday
She asked for her virginity back. I don't know what to say
Making drunken Mac n cheese at 3 am I understand why witches constantly stir their cauldrons. Much more homogenized temperature and slim chance of boiling over. Good job witches.
They said you bought the guy a shot and was talking about being Greek and then all of the sudden just puked all in their pitcher of beer and got kicked out of the bar.
just almost had a panic attack because i couldn't find the granola bar i put in my purse. i miss klonopin.
its like my brain is a tree and you are those little cookie elves
Chasing down vodka with apple juice and crying. Alone.
Idk, I know when I drink vodka my bi side comes out and I just want to make out with a girl
Randomize