I decided it would be a good time to smoke on one of my deliveries but then I got the munchies and ate a piece of the pizza I was freaking out so I told him it was our new pacman pizza
it felt like a thousand fairies were licking my balls.
i'm 6 minutes and 3 drinks deep before she gets here. she's do-able for a wednesday night, but i still need to mentally prepare, ya know?
I made a drinking game out of watching your DUI video, everytime you say " okay, well thats just your opinion"
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His body is just chiseled out of sex. I would let that man do anything to my body. Including fuck me while my parents watch
Her facebook status said "just got a sign from god". I texted her and apparently she found a slice of pizza in the shower.
You almost married that.
It's all good. Going back to my room to try and air out my balls.
You know you've got awesome issues when the main deciding factor of whether or not to cut your nails depends on nacho consumption in the near future
I'm going through a really dark time right now
I don't want to hear it man. I just jerked it to a pic of my ex wife in a bikini. Buck up
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He sent me a picture of him trying to push his cock into a Gatorade bottle. I dont know if I'm impressed it didn't fit and disgusted that he sent me something so vile.
Yea it's also hard to turn down a man asking you out with a chicken sandwich.
I just matched the dude who's car I rear ended 2 years ago on tinder. I don't think he remembers.
I snuck in through the doggy door to get his vodka. Do you think my ex will know?
I should probably eat a Plan B. Pill for breakfast. Happy Halloween.
Is it too much to ask for 10 minutes of privacy while I masturbate?
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