What you up to?
Having coffee. Getting eyefucked. Eyefucking.
Full throttle
Some guys are relationship guys. Not our niche.
I wasted my skinny years on you. The least you can do is high five me at the bar
I just found her phone in the quesadilla maker...
Oh my god. I opened up my microwave and there was a pile of bacon in it. It's like my mother knew I'd be hungover.
She liked every single Facebook status in her newsfeed and then made her status 'I LIKE U GUYS'
Having a midget officiate your wedding because you think it'd be hilarious: good idea or potential lawsuit?
yesterday you declined a drink because you "didn't want to be responsible for it" ok kanye...
You called me at 3 am and I rode my flat ass bike that I dug out of my garage in the dark to meet you at dunkin donuts for a 10 minute convo about your mother and you didn't drive me home.
you owe me a blunt and a bottle of moscato.
IM WAITING BITCH. ANSWER ME.
GET OVER HERE. HOTTIE ALERT
^^^This is why you should have charged your phone prior to going out.
Dude, just found out there's a monster in a video game named after me. No more dating nerds.
I just rode a horse than walked onto my property in boarshorts, flip flops, and holding a 40. What do I win?
Blood work from physical was all good, apparently heavy alcohol use agrees with me
He yelled "I'm Bruce Springsteen!" when he came. This is why I don't sleep with guys from Jersey.
of all the things that should kill me, scurvy wont be one of them
In the words of Disney’s Jafar, “desperate times call for desperate measures.”
Randomize
