I just wanted to draw pictures of limp wieners on peoples doors and smash pictures of palm trees. That's it.
Call it a failed empirical study as to whether drugs would make her more interesting. or at least better in bed.
They were like stripper heels, except business stripper heels, the kind strippers would wear to court.
i was driving around baked, windows down jamming to third eye blind and eating grapes for 35 minutes before i remembered why i left my house
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We didn't have sex because he locked himself in the bathroom and passed out while he was taking a shit. I cuddled with his cat.
He sent me a vid of himself jerking off. I hope his hands are the size of tennis rackets or it will be a very short date.
You chest bumped everyone we walked by on the way home... Even girls
Cry into your wine glass and then drink the tears, it's like the fountain of youth
I don't know. I just thought I'd put my drinks in my bag and go on an adventure. Like a drunk Bilbo Baggins.
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Bro, she said my penis was the best thing to happen to her mouth since teeth.
I'm going to write a horror movie. It's going to be called "Fat People on a Squeaky Bed" and it's going to feature me laying in bed last night listening to my overweight roommate and her fat boyfriend tossing and turning all night
God it's like my stomach is full of drunk bees
I forgot to tell you that he serenaded me with "Fuck Her Gently" by Tenacious D. And I didn't hate it.
I woke up naked and you weren't here. What a relief.
i woke up on the third floor, naked in a closet.
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