Theres puke in my trash can and spilled beer next to my bed... come get your girlfriend
Is it weird I updated my facebook status from my phone while I had explosive diarrhea in my boss's private bathroom?
That would be awkward if he commented on your status
I have a critically important question to ask.
Why does watermelon-flavoured candy exist?
Moms kinda upset I threw up in grandmas bedroom. I think ill stay in tonight.
It came up in court that I told the arresting officer my name was Thomas Jefferson, and I was born in 1776. I almost kept a straight face. Almost.
You were jumping on the trampoline and screaming that you couldn't feel the fire.
We found him wrapped up in a giant table umbrella in the bathroom.
Ok, I have three hours. I'm trying to work out two blow jobs and a taco.
Because drinking and showering don't go hand in hand. There that's my PSA of the day.
There's nothing quite like having a little 8 year old boy hand me a Bible on campus while I'm on my way to the health center because of my recent slutty tendencies.
Orientation leader success, day 1: incoming freshman just ate out his first sorority girl. I gave him a 7/10.
I AM EATING BACON AND CHEESE. FUCK THE BULLSHIT.
FUCK and YOU. times 10. To infinity and beyond. You bastard. Worst. Cockblock. Ever. I'm going to nail your sister.
Not at all! I'll let your potential employer know you have a huge dick
So woke up naked and found my clothes from last night in my kitchen with a half eaten quesadilla
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