First date. He's wearing a tuxedo shirt and keeps asking me about our future children. Escape plan #3 is now in action...
What a whore. She reminds me of that asian guy who can eat all the hotdogs.
Friends dont let friends get hit with a flaming baton without warning
apparently i saved myself a memo last night titled "cake" and all it says is "i love it so much"
Well pretty sure I lost 3 of my best friends in one week. Remember when I said I wasn't sure if I was gonna be a better person or a more despicable one in 2012. Despicable wins.
My plan to masturbate 34 times on my 34th birthday backfired. Do you still have those crutches?
He started screaming when he saw my dog. He thought it was a polar bear
I'd google it, but I don't really want my search history to say, "Name for masturbating on a flight."
I haven't been that free with the boobs since I was 19. I'm putting them away for a while.
If you insist
The one guy literally flopped my boob out. Yes I insist.
My new successful method of booty calling is sending a screencap of a map with the shortest route from their location to mine highlighted.
TSA literally pulled two bottles of whiskey out of my bag. Once he saw the leopard print socks and the mickey mouse tank, he put it back in my bag and said "Have a fun trip, man."
That moment during finals day when you either convince your teacher to let you out of the room or you shit you pants.
That isn't the worst part. It got a bazillion times more awkward when he read me a poem he wrote about his dead cat.
If by fun you mean, did I meet her cousin for the.first time and bang him, then yes it was a productive evening.
He nailed that bed down really well so it won't break again. All I could think while he was nailing it was "challenge accepted".
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