i feel like when youre not in my profile picture no one knows who i am.
I picked her up for our first date on a fucking horse. Of course I got a BJ.
i feel like god sat there all night pointing and laughing at me
Should I mail that cop his nightstick or just throw it away?
Then you started asking people on the drunk bus if they knew the word "gumption". if they didn't you told them they weren't taking advantage of their high education opportunities and you were disappointed in them.
dude i'm so hungover my hair hurts
Next Halloween I want us to dress up as jockeys, get drunk, and ride a carousel all night until we throw up or declare a winner
The only math I use in every day life is figuring out how much I can spend on alcohol and still have money to pay my bills. High school lied to us.
WHY DO I KEEP FINDING CHICKEN THROUGHOUT THE HOUSE? GET YOUR ASS HOME NOW!
I am stoned, not wearing a bra, and a woman. There is no way in fuck I am getting on a fucking bus.
Got so drunk last night I kinda sent a super on point sext to his kid sister...say a prayer man
And thanks for putting me in that safety position on the bathroom floor while I was spooning the toilet
Wait... so you had sex and then your ear drum ruptured? I'm not sure if I want to ask if the two are related...
Dude what happened last night?
I don't know, I'm still trying to figure out how I got my clothes back on.
I'm going to use this quarantine time to improve my blowjob skills.
Randomize
