Alex, there's no such thing as a fancy sex store.
i feel like my life has become an afroman song and idk whether i should be sad about that or not
so exactly how many freshman chicks did i tell to call me "the tripod"?
I've had cake for breakfast the past 3 days. You tell me how bikini season is going.
I was preparing to do my walk of shame shirtless, but then I found my sweater, wallet and keys neatly piled under a tree in the park.
Because if not I was going to quote Ryan Lochte as punishment
Thank god I got my shit together
Beer is acceptable at 830am if it's your bday, right?
Something about being drunk at 1pm chasing seagulls on the beach while it's raining is very calming
I'm eating tortillas right now. Like not cooked tortillas. Someone is playing the guitar. Man with bandana.
I would eat the Denny's grand slam special out of my new probation officers b hole
Take your time. I'm mowing the lawn. In the dark. Drunk.
He was standing in the living room wearing a Donald Trump wig and looking very disappointed
Okay I'm officially a Texan now, I banged a dude with cowboy boots
I think him and kristen are pretty serious now.. I dont think he cheats on her, anymore.
You guys do the cocaine and I'll do the dishes.
Randomize
