Its like everytime i see you, my vagina gets a heartbeat.
Rent Disney Oceans. Smoke a bowl. Fast forward to the seal section. Then call me.
I cagt a turtle and named him squirt. He's in my bathtub Caleb is feeding me peaches! This is the most beautiful vodka Thursday ever!
How do I explain the handcuffs and tanning goggles on our living room floor? There's rope too. The cats love the rope.
Do you know why I have a burn shaped like a tiny spork?
The drunk fake out is her specialty. She'll agree to come with us and two seconds later we check to make sure she's still there and we see her booking it down the hall in the opposite direction.
Also, I found out that my dad has the name of every boy that I've ever dated and their physical description, car type and tag number stored in his computer.
Apparently Angela went missing once and he says he learned were to look first and that it's best to have information on hand.
And then she sprinted three blocks through live traffic towards McDonalds screaming "THE GOLDEN ARCHES ARE CALLING ME"
I think when Jesus turned water into wine it was a sign that we should get drunk off Sangria tonight. Do it for Jesus. He died for your sins.
Well, you were never considered a shining example of sobriety anyway
Pandora was on point with the sex music tonight
Just threw up mid-poop. I can't drink like I used to.
i can believe you didnt get any, i was wing-girling the shit out of him
all you did was repeatedly scream GET IT IN
Took the ex out to the bar, then left with her and her best friend....and you said this was a bad thing.
He said they were his favorite shoes.. So I threw one down the sewer. Now he'll keep searching the house for the other one. Sweet silent revenge.
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