Mom and Dad are dead. Trust fund
eh.. i should've known it was headed downhill after he used the phrase "pussy sundae"
If you borrow your friends real doll, should you wear a condom?
either she doesn't know how to dress properly on a sunday morning stroll, or I just saw a 60 year old on a walk of shame
People were autographing me. I'm like the spring break yearbook
she told me i tasted like america
In the middle of fucking me, she said "Hold on, I need my Hulk hands."
Just so you're aware, tomorrow is "Slow Clap when you see Mike" day.
I figured you left because I was a shit show. Were you still there when I got locked in the bathroom and didn't know where I was? If not, that could have been a dream. I'm still not sure.
so my mom thinks I'm picking you up just to go buy you liquor before you go back to school tomorrow...
I'm ashamed that your mom thinks I haven't already taken care of that.
I worked so hard to shave everything last night. EVERYTHING. He WILL be answering my phone calls. Otherwise he's passing up awesome random birthday sex.
I built a fence. For the bunnies we're going to adopt. I'll fill you in when you get home.
She told me she ate a whole pizza today, and I just wanted to hug her forever.
This weekend I was almost blinded by a cumshot to the eye, so happy Labor Day I guess
I did something very bad. More specifically, my boss.
Randomize
