Excuse me? I'm weird? You're the one sticking your penis into a pringles can.
you have no idea how wierd it is to get nudes while talking to grandma
You were humming mission impossible as we ran from the cops
We are going out Saturday. Oh and we might also be jousting on bikes.
Warning: at some point today you will probably see several pics of me 69-ing a blow up turtle show up on facebook. Just disregard them.
We got back together. The pastures weren't greener on the other side, the dicks were just smaller
I bet the guy on the treadmill next to me with the noise-canceling headphones wishes he could trade them for smell-canceling noseplugs. Hard to believe that last one did not involve any pants-shitting on my part.
ANNA HAS DISCOVERED EROTIC FANFICTION OF SHARKNADO THIS IS NOT A DRILL
I think the cashier could tell I was sad. All I bought was penis shaped food and chocolate
Just got a snapchat from him that was a video of with the caption "my new apartment" in Brazil. I think we might not be seeing eachother anymore.
There now exists video of me holding a (recently emptied) bottle of Russian Standard vodka, trying to sing the Russian national anthem.
I had to switch to male Siri because I could feel female Siri voice judging me for reading my sexts out loud. Also, the dude voice keeps me in the mood.
See and now you're talking. I am like the fairy godmother of hook ups.
I'm keeping him.
Sex was good?
I had to tap out three times. There aren't words for how much better than "good" that is.
Left my wallet at the store. Wouldn't have noticed if the joint I just rolled wasn't in it.
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