I had a dream last night that I had sex with Abe Lincoln. I must stop watching the History Channel before I go to bed.
I will never get the visual of you crying while chewing christmas lights out of my head
The cereal milk was almost black, the bacon was still frozen and the toast was soggy. And that was BEFORE I puked in her lap.
Dear room mates I tried to shotgun pam in the kitchen. It is slippery. Please be careful. That is all. Love you.
She was mid-sentence and then BOOM the hammock broke off the tree. I about pissed myself. Hot Sprite and Vodka make the world go round.
We make out exclusively when we're drunk. That's like a relationship for me, right?
I apologize for violently hooking up with her in front of you in the jacuzzi last night.
Nah, this is the University of Tennessee. She'll get the clap, and get busted for having pot in her dorm by spring break. This time next year she'll be part-timing at a community college as a nursing major. So predictable it hurts.
Do you count doing $200 of coke off his dick until 6am as a successful rekindling of our relationship or...
Deciding whether to take my sex toys home for Christmas will be the biggest decision I make this holiday season
I've broken 3 vibrators in the past month because I apparently am "too rough" with them. Is that even possible?!
I did not get pleasing results from googling “Bob Ross goat”
my dad walked in on me peeing into the trashcan in our kitchen last night at like 2am. wtf
Sorry for not calling you back. I got drunk and passed out on the kitchen floor. I just found my phone in the shower.
She was a cheerleader in college and President of her sorority and now she’s a sales rep for a pharmaceutical corporation. “High maintenance hot” doesn’t even begin to explain it
But dear lord is it worth it
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