No matter how drunk I am, I will take the time to wipe a pube off the toilet seat.
Hey when I die alone will you come by often enough so that my cats don’t eat my face?
ok so the lil girl sitting behind u was picking the hairs off ur sisters back and putting them in her mouth
Smoked a bowl on a rollercoaster. Literally ON. Beat that.
Just got head while drinking hot cocoa and eating cookies. Never in my life have I felt more like santa claus
I wonder who the first pervert was, and if he would be proud of me for advancing his art form by so much
im just glad that if you were going to have awkward hospital sex, you would want it with me
If I don't come back from Italy with aids I did somethign wrong
she got the salsa and pickles out of the fridge looked at me and said what can i make with this
I couldn't be mad. She was crying because she fell bare ass into the rose bush trying to pee. So I held her up mid-stream and she peed on my feet. No big
Well my door is unlocked for you, I'll be in the bathtub drinking a pre-mixed bottle of margarita until I forget the degree to which my life sucks.
Oh dude, thanks for giving me that liquor last night, except replace 'giving' with 'violently forcing'.
also please imagine me hopping a fence at 3am using two chairs. It was a shit show. K's guy practically ripped her off the top of the fence bc she got semi stuck. It was like watching Disney on Bud Ice.
Not sure. He doesn't know where New York is on a map but he gives an incredible spanking.
Who cares about New York?
Sorry you saw me having sex with your brother on the beach
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