Flying to Orlando on the 7th is cheaper than the 8th by like three margaritas.
So he saw that playlist i made with his name as the title. i think he's creeped out that I have 106 songs that remind me of him
there was a party in your bed and you weren't invited... change your sheets
and then he started using my ass as a stressball
All she was asking was for you to describe your coat so she could get it, but you kept yelling at her so the security threw you out.
Mym mom just came downstairs as I got ghome ans I'm trying to act SO CASUAL as i stabdh here hut icant help bur be like 'girl where's ther Turkey sandwiche s' haahaa
I literally need you to talke care of me soooo9o9oooooo drubj gril makin a sabdwiche. SO far its judst bred and paper towel...
I have to date her. We need a place to stay when we go tailgating.
Three people drank on "never have I had sex in a tractor." Iowa at its best?
His voice is like having sex with hot chocolate and then suddenly you're pregnant.
Emergency nipple ring removal:vodka, tweezers, and vodka. Can you bring me a band-aid?
My gynecologist got a full view of the obviously bite marked shaped bruises on my thighs. I just kept talking about work and hoped she wouldn't judge me.
btw my ex came by last night and saw the pregnancy test intructions. awkwarrrrd.......
You can't just say you're dying of terminal cancer everytime they try to card you
I still judge her for aggressively trying to get coke from my date but pretty cool that she's a black belt
I would offer you moral support, but I have questionable morals..
Randomize
