It doesn't matter if they shave you or not, you're still susceptible to the staph infection.
My kitchen smells like failed pina coladas.
all we need is a shotglass and a helicopter.
i have a real life question, do ur boyfriends pretend to be vampires ever?
I love seeing you outside of a bar. It's like seeing a dog walk on its hind legs
his semen tasted like maple syrup. no wonder fat girls always wanna fuck him.
facebook friend requested him the morning after while he was still asleep in my bed, a whole new level of creeper even for me
You see.... Im at the point in my life where pissing in a toilet is a luxury for me
I'm just planning on experiencing Disney as adult style as it gets. Drinking bloody mary's at dawn and telling all the kids waiting in lines how badly their future sucks and that Santa isn't real.
You know it's a good Halloween party when a guy wearing a light-up sombrero offers you blow.
He peed off the roof and then we bonded it was beautiful
We were drunk having sex and I knocked over her bedside table/fish bowl and she jumped off to check if her fish was still alive but she made me pasta so it's cool
I feel like a pile of chihuahua shit that got eaten by a Great Dane who puked it up and then set it on fire.
The Vicodin is in the strawberries.
The problem with adderall is that no matter what I'm doing, I feel like it was the most productive thing I've EVER done.
Did you alphabetize our spice cupboard again?
...You'll thank me later.
Randomize
