If I was Danny Tanner and my wife died and left me with three kids I would hire a nanny rather than bringing in the sexually promiscuos uncle with a fetish for leather and rebellion and my obviously mentally ill (possibly gay) best friend Joey, who has never had a girlfriend and consistently talks in cartoon voices... a nanny is just a better choice
my 3 year old cousin just woke up screaming "IT WON'T GO DOWN!'
Living right is spending a lot of time in someone's ass
and all i could think was, am i really about to have sex with someone who still thinks that pee comes out of the actual vagina?
The freshman came home at 9 this morning with one heel, no pants, and a strangers sweatshirt covered in tequila-scented vomit. I think we're done corrupting her for a while.
Two hours into move in day and the ambulance is here already.
It smells like someone died in our apartment and ya'll used some random orifice of his body to smoke weed out of. Side note, how did we get a guitar?
Tonights dinner consisted of washing down my plan b pill with a bottle of wine and toast. College is turning my life around
You told me you would ride a pig into the night sky screaming, "I wear my sunglasses at night"
Probably for the best. My morning wood is pretty horrible. I wouldn't want to tip the earth's axis/ create a new magnetic pole
I told the person I was on the phone with to hold on while I looked for my phone. I think it's time to stop doing dabs.
should i save it for someone special or be a feminist and be like "my vagina doesnt define me"
She broke up with me after I spent the whole day speaking in nothing but Marshawn Lynch quotes.
Remember that time we were together? Yeah, I don't miss that.
He had a tattoo of the Batman logo around his asshole. I noped right the hell out of there.
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