i was so high i thought his mole came off and was flying around
I wish Michael J Fox could read me bedtime stories
He could rock you to sleep
they could make at least 3 episode of "i shouldn't be alive" out of my weekend
I woke up in my own vomit, a chunk of cactus in my thigh, shirtless, with jons mom poking at me with a glass of dr pepper and a talk about god....damn alcohol
Miserable. My projectile vomit just woke me up from a 5.5 hour nap.
wait do you know what youre gonna say if they ask how youre getting back?
yes. helicopter.
she was puking red wine out the car window, telling me about how shes joining weight watchers tomorrow, not okay.
Probably shouldn't have worn my jeans covered in blood from last night to class.
What should I wear?
Uhhhhh...idk? it's a gay bar
I found something that says "i'm here to party, but not fuck guys."
My gynecologist got a full view of the obviously bite marked shaped bruises on my thighs. I just kept talking about work and hoped she wouldn't judge me.
Just found some confetti on my nipple if that's any indicator of how the night went
Just remembered when I first started going down on him he goes "ok now I feel a little better about the broncos losing"
When your hungover saltines taste like hope...
If I was banging all the guys that people think I am, I'd quit buying batteries.
There's a pregnant girl taking shots of apple juice
Randomize
