Tell her she can't have a vagina
Just bought plan B with a coupon. Told the pharmacist I like to keep it classy.
Every day you talk to me ... I literally love you more..
Everyone agrees they like your mother better drunk
Just ate a whole pizza by myself. Wearing my indian headdress again. its really cool with the french braids. I look like fucking pocahontas or some shit.
I'm going to have to have a long talk with god if my soul mate has a prince albert
It probably would have happened but I just can't picture myself losing my virginity while laying on top of his Quiksilver duvet set.
You were literally hanging out the window and dancing to the remix to Ignition when we drove you home
Lying naked in bed eating carrot cake of off my bare breasts while watching Family Guy. Tonsilitis isn't all bad!
Hurry up I'm getting mooned by a hobo
Last night I made him sit on my bed and finish my burrito bowl as I chanted "brucey" over and over until he was done like they did in Matilda with the chocolate cake
It's 5AM and I just stirred weed butter into ramen noodles. This is not where I expected to be at 30. ...But, hey, getting high off noodles.
Note to self, the correct response when a guy tells you he likes you as a person is not "ew"
How did i spend $200 last night?
Every time you went to get me a drink, you also came back with shots. Then you fell down the steps.
you were just in my dream and you looked at me and said "Christmas is cold." I think you're wasted even in my dreams.
How many weight watcher activity points do you think sex is worth?
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