I am engaged
To a real live girl that has met me
I think she kind of thinks she's better than us now ... please. I go to Michigan.
i don't want a singing card. it disturbs my hangover. give me a pack of cigs taped to a bottle of wine and fuck me without a condom. happy vday baby.
Even after projectile vomiting watermelon on the beach, it still sounds appetizing.
Yessssss I diiiiid! I enjoyed 38% of it. There are 4 qualifications and 2 were good. 1. There is a penis in my vagina (Pass) 2. It's a big penis (Fail) 3. The sex is long and exciting and makes me sweat and have 6 pack abs (fail) 4. I got off (uhhh potential to pass...)
Not only is it unacceptable to be bar hopping alone at 5 o'clock. It is definitely unacceptable to do so with a lobster
So I am guessing last night was a success we are all accounted for and only 3 of us have hospital bracelets on
I thought turtle was a code word for weed until he pulled out a baby turtle from his pocket and said "$20 for a turtle"
Just be aware that next year I will probably try to seduce you to avoid going to the gym
You helped blow my nose... Ok it's safe to say we are on a new level of relationship..
Like I'm literally drinking whiskey and making a stocking for my cat right now. What. Goes. On.
I haven't seen her in probably 3 months and when she showed up wasted to my house she promptly pulled out her tit
But how MUCH of an emergency? Like, should I go to the ER now, or can it wait until after the bar crawl?
"Being an adult" and "being happy" are two circles that do not overlap in my Venn diagram of life.
My dog just blew me a kiss. First of all I'm stoned and second of all he's a pitbull. Those aren't sexual dogs. So wtf.
Randomize
