I wish i could call my weed and hear it ring. That's how i found my phone.
Omg!!!! Call me in the morning I just saw A stripper queef out a dollar
I like that most of our conversations somehow end in us having sex for the good of our country
what kind of wine goes with anal sex and shame?
who paints a picture of their own dick and sends it to people. i dont know if its borderline crazy or just fucking genius...
i had to get the starbucks manager to open the bathroom door for me...you passed out on the floor, the things i do for you
I honestly didn't see the problem playing beer pong In the car on the road trip home.
Ask if he wants his tooth back. It's in the freezer. In the box of hotpockets.
Even though he had a fractured vertebrae, the sex was still phenomenal. Better than normal actually. I hope the vertabrae never heals.
Somehow I've got the party rigged to where I get a foot massage every time someone wants a beer out of the fridge. Hellz yeah
I was the girl at the bar last night passing out free condoms and making sure everyone knew how to use them to keep the population down
How have I seen you throw up on yourself 3 different times, yet we weren't Facebook friends until I accidentally hooked up with your ex?
It could be worse. I was dumped by a guy in a kilt after he gave my shoes away on St. Patrick's Day.
That's right. I did.
You are the saddest 25 year old gay man I've ever had the displeasure of knowing.
I am pretty great at coffee and mistakes
Randomize
