I'll start drinking again when I know where I am
I'm seriously so bored I'm seeing how many rooms I can masturbate in before I get caught.
Four. Poor grandma...
I think that's the first time i've seen 'you look like an ugly version of my ex' work as a pickup line
There is a mosh pit in our kitchen. You better hurry.
Can I sell my birth control in a yard sale?
I have the coolest burn here. Everyone is taking my picture. I'm like a celebrity of the burn victims.
I'm slightly possesive over the gucamole when i'm stoned.
Is that why you left peanut shells in my bed?
my revenge plans when i'm high are never as good as i think they are
She literally just cut half her hair off because she's tired of asking someone to hold it back when shes drunk and puking.
Why do I love Florida? Because I just quit my job because it's too pretty a day to go to work and I'm going to the beach to eat seafood and drink beer.
Hold on, I need to find something to wear that says "I don't contribute to your daughter's drug problem"
Great. I will show up in your office wearing only oven mitts later today.
There's a man with a stuffed dog and a can of dog food on the L. Should I break it to him?
Best not to. Some people need their delusions.
Fair warning birthday party last night avoid kitchen & upstairs bathroom if you value your remaining sanity
You chose shitty college football over this pussy and my cute little mouth. That's your fault.
Can we climb Your roof?
No bitch its 2am go home.
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