just stared at ed norton's ass for 26 miles. if there was ever an incentive to run a marathon, that was it. my life is perfect.
It's 3 am and my parents just came up the driveway in a limo. They didn't leave in a limo. I'm scared to even ask.
i'm trying to figure out what goes best with beef ramen. a 2007 merlot or a 2008 pinot noir? i'm leaning toward the pinot noir.
And "sexual slave/chef" was as it turns out not a real career choice...
Protocol on turning down a date from someone in the House of Representatives?
Uhh, there's a legit bruise on my boob.. Again how does he manage this
This weekend was suppose to be a 'smoke weed and stare at things' weekend. Not a 'spend all my rent money partying with Europeans till 8 am' weekend
Yeah but those French chicks did get naked
As usual, I had to fight him for his car keys. Though this time he made it to the valet garage. All the Hispanic attendants gathered around and watched. Felt like I was in a cock fight.
Right, well, that begs the question of where did you get the whip, why are you using it, and why don't you carry one around more often?
I'll even be awesome and bring pizza for your family, just as a "hey thanks for letting a stranger get trashed at your house" gesture.
She called his dick the colossus. I dont give a fuck if shes his wingman, I gotta see this natural wonder
I folded my dollar bills into mustaches in preparation for our trip to the strip club
I didn't pop out of a cake in a speedo with diagrams
In case that's what u were picturing
The only thing I had in my freezer before today was patron and cheese.
I threw up in the middle of a bar last night and still managed to get laid! Happy thanksgiving!
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