I guess calling a coworker a lesbian sea cow is some kind of violation.
she added me on facebook and her celebrity doppelganger is rosie odonnel. FUCK
today he pulled me aside to show me a lawn mower that he drew above his pubes. I saw his pubes in all their glory. Right there. In spanish class. Hola.
It was literally me in an evening gown and him in a tux with six bottles of Vodka at Jons.
And this was for your brother's Christening?
He panicked, you ducked and I was coming off a 3 day coke binge. It was no one's shining moment.
I dont care if he cant spell. Illiterate people need blowjobs too
He said he only likes girls with a sense of humor, after he took his pants off I understood why
I just pulled the nickels from earlier out of my bra in class. The guy next to me is either terrified or intrigued.
To give you an idea, there's a group upstairs trying to break down a door with their fists and heads.
There will always be a place in my black heart for him because he gave me my first sex-induced orgasm. While you slept on the bunk above.
Y'know i appreciate how accepting you are of me being a terrible person.
He called me for phone sex. Do you know how hard it is to fake an orgasm, and play Candy Crush at the same time?
Interesting fact: if you wanted to rename a guy Jeff, just tell him you only fuck Jeffs. Magically whatever name he was using is actually his middle name cause he doesn't like going by Jeff.
Y'all let us switch shirts in the middle of 200 people....why did you let me get this drunk by noon?
Standing naked in my kitchen making nachos. I love my youth.
Randomize
