then he goes, "ok, i have to go talk to the girl i'm semi-talking to/dating and see if i'm in trouble" WHAT IS MY LIFE?!
you know you should just kill yourself when you are helping your 16 year-old sister get ready for a date and you're going out to dinner with you parents..
just ran into a kid I used to hook up with while wearing his shirt. Only me. I tried to pretend like it wasn't his but it said his name on the back so I wasn't winning that.
i like him when i'm sober AND when i'm drunk.i've been searching for this my whole life
Have you ever wondered what your stripper song would be?
My mom just blew pot smoke into my nose and called me a cat.
Also pregame at mine tomorrow?
Somehow I magically turned down a threesome last night. On my birthday. You're a horrible wingman.
There is a nerf war going on here. I just cleaned the blood out of the fridge
Only the gays. Guy gives me a handjob in the steam, then changes next to me under his towel
Only the gays
I just looked at a girl and was like what disease does she have? And then my mind caught up ohhh shes pregnant.
I showed up to a booty-call in my onesie pajamas and rubber boots
It's like that thing with the devil and the angel except one shoulder has orgasms and the other has stuffed crust pizza and depression.
Last night was good. Things got bad when I found a sledge hammer.
As he was cumming he yelled "Yahtzee" then said im free to go. Thats my one night stand
Foreplay went from me being a bank teller and him a customer to us actually having to go to the bank so we would make rent
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